I Hate This
by Valkyrien
Summary: Sometimes, the choices we make out of fear, end up making our fears the reality, and sometimes, we come to our senses just in time. But what hope is there for the senseless?


_**DISCLAIMER: ONLY THE STORY BELONGS TO ME, CHARACTERS ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF THEIR CREATORS, I JUST BORROW THEM.**_

_***********************************************************************_

_**~I Hate This~**_

"I don't think this is the right choice for him," she said to the man in white, her nerves for once showing through the ice so far only he had ever been able to melt. The man in the room next door. The man with the mania.

"If these don't do the trick, we'll reevaluate him and fix the dosage accordingly," the doctor said soothingly, escorting her out into the bleak white corridor. "I assure you, we will find a way to deal with these... outbursts of his."

_We're driving slow through the snow on 5th Avenue_

_And right now radio's all that we can hear_

_Now we ain't talked since we left, it's so over due_

_It's cold outside but between us it's worse in here_

"You know I love you Wanda..."

"I know."

"Why are you doin' this ta me? I didn' need ta go, I'm fine, I –"

"For God's sake John you tried to kill yourself! How is that _fine?_ What would I have done if you'd left me because the voices in your head were telling you life's not worth it anymore? Don't you see the problem here?!" There was a silence between them that cut her to the quick but she kept her eyes firmly on the road, concentrating on the whiteness of the sky and the air around her, and trying to ignore the purity defiled as it hit the ground, churned into thick, black slush. He put a hand on her knee and sighed.

"You're right, luv... We'll do this your way..."

_The world slows down_

_But my heart beats fast right now_

_I know this is the part_

_Where the end starts_

"So how is he?" Wanda closed her eyes to stop the tears from escaping the protective shields her lashes made, but the lilting voice of her best friend forced a hiccup through the carefully-planned defences and she collapsed into Rogue's arms, sobbing heartbrokenly.

"I never should have done it – I've ruined everything - he's not _John_ anymore – oh Gods, I was so _stupid!_" The Southern Belle held her gently, stroking her hair and rocking her in her arms as she wept for everything they'd had and everything she'd thrown away.

"Sugah you did what you thought was best... He tried ta _kill_ himself honey, ya had ta do somethin' for him... It's not your fault..." she said calmly, and Wanda raised her tear-streaked face to look at her.

"I took away his soul, Rogue... I might as well have killed him..."

"Honey they're just pills, it can't be that bad!"

"Pills? Rogue... he doesn't even want to play with _fire_ anymore... He doesn't smile, he doesn't cry, I can't see the man I fell in love with anymore because those pills have taken over, and whatever the hell he is now, it's not John... It's not who I want..."

_I can't take it any longer_

_Thought that we were stronger_

_All we do is linger_

_Slipping through our fingers_

_I don't wanna try now_

_All that's left's goodbye to_

_Find a way that I can tell you_

_I hate this part right here_

_I hate this part right here_

_I just can't take your tears_

_I hate this part right here_

"She's devastated darlin' an' Ah jus' don' know how t' help her... It's breakin' mah heart t' see them lahke this," she said, rubbing his well-defined chest to reassure herself that he was still there.

"Y' can' change what's been done, _ma chere_... Dey gotta do dis alone – jus' like we did," he said seriously, kissing the top of her head as she leant into him.

"Ah know honey, Ah jus' hate this so much... It's tearin' them apart an' Ah don' even recognise either of 'em anymore... They're lahke ghosts..."

_Everyday, 7 takes of the same old scene_

_Seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine_

_Gotta talk to you now 'fore we go to sleep_

_But will we sleep once I tell you what's hurting me?_

"Luv..? I have somethin' t' tell you..." Wanda turned around, stealthily wiping a few tears from where they clung to her lashes still, and faced the man she loved.

"What do you want John?"

He ran a trembling hand through his hair and in a quick voice said, "I've stopped taking them."

_The world slows down_

_But my heart beats fast right now_

_I know this is the part_

_Where the end starts_

"You – you _can't_ – you'll end up like last time – I won't let you do this, what the hell are you thinking? You can't just –"

She'd crossed the room to him in her shock, the fear tearing at her heart as she faced up to him, blue light crackling around her clawed fingers, unaware that she was screaming on the outside as well. He caught her by the shoulders before she knew what was happening and swung her into the wall, pinning her there, and she stared at him with wide grey eyes, frightened of both of them suddenly.

"I don' wanna live the rest of my life as a bloody zombie," he growled, his own eyes desperate and threatening at the same time.

"I went through livin' _hell_ for you Wanda, an' I never once asked you to go through that for me – I'd rather die than let anyone drug you up and kill you from the inside out and I won' do it t' myself either! We learnt ta live with your issues, why can't you try t' live with mine?!" He wasn't shouting at her, he wasn't even speaking loudly, but the quiet, controlled tones he was using melted through her anger and she fell into him, her arms around his neck as she cried and she barely registered that he'd embraced her until she knew he was holding her as tightly as he dared to without harming her.

"You were going to – you tried to – I was so afraid you'd do it again, I didn't think, I hated doing it, I'm so sorry, I –" He kissed her until the tears stopped falling and then simply didn't stop...

_I can't take it any longer_

_Thought that we were stronger_

_All we do is linger_

_Slipping through our fingers_

_I don't wanna try now_

_All that's left's goodbye to_

_Find a way that I can tell you_

_I hate this part right here_

_I hate this part right here_

_I just can't take your tears_

_I hate this part right here_

"You're being so unfair –"

"It's not my fault I –"

"Why are you doing this to me –"

"No one's doing anything –"

"I hate you!"

"Wanda, don't, you're not thinking –" He went through the window and landed nigh on top of Remy who sidestepped neatly at the last minute. Rogue was the first to recover from the shock.

"Oh mah Gawd John are ya alrigh'?" she shrieked, bending next to the twitching Aussie and turning him over. He coughed, and blood trickled down his cheek as he grinned lopsidedly.

"G'day mates," he said in a slightly strained voice, "My lovely lady was jus' wonderin' when you'd be arrivin'..."

"Oh dear Lord what the –" Rogue was interrupted in her exasperated commenting by a fury in crimson who threw herself to her knees next to her prostrate lover and took him in her arms, hugging him before grabbing his shoulders and shaking him like hell.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, you idiot, why'd you have to get me so angry I didn't know what I was doing?!"

"Y're pretty when y' hate me luv..." That earned him a kiss and a slap in that order and at his wince and the realistion that his blood was on her hand she went into floods of affectionate apologising and helped him up. Cooing over his sorry state and compensating for his injuries by seeming to be almost in more pain than he was over them – even the fractured rib they later discovered she'd inflicted. His only reaction to the finding out was to laugh and kiss her and say,

"Tha's my woman tha' is..."

_I know you'll ask me to hold on_

_And carry on like nothing's wrong_

_But there is no more time for lies_

_'Cause I see sunset in your eyes_

"Are they jus' gonna keep on beatin' the hell outta eachother because they can' control their issues?" Rogue fumed to her obscenely amused boyfriend as she sat in the recently redone living room while their hosts were in the kitchen, and Remy smiled winningly at her.

"C'mon _chere_, let dem do what dey do, _non_? John's never hurt her an' so far she's only put him in de ER six times so why don' y' jus' let dem get on wit it, hmm?"

"One day they'll go too far, Rem, an' when they do Ah'll have ta scrape 'em off a wall somewhere an' Ah don' feel the inclination ta do so."

"I'll buy you a spatula fer ya birthday then sheila," John quipped as he sailed back into the room with his _'I am a nutter'_ grin plastered firmly across his face and his glowing girlfriend in hot pursuit.

"He will now Rogue, you shouldn't have said anything," Wanda giggled, and Rogue turned a disgusted face to her Cajun who just shrugged and said,

"Y' know de two of you are severely disturbin', _hein?_" Wanda shoved the Aussie onto the armchair and threw herself onto him, narrowly missing snapping the healing rib, and the yelp that emerged from somewhere beneath her was proof of it.

"I love him and he tolerates my moods," she shrugged.

"Don' under-exaggerate, my luv, we're made for each other an' that's that!" The gooey doe-eyes the Scarlet Witch turned on the Australian was enough to make Rogue gag, but under the disapproving scrutiny of Remy she politely covered it up behind a hand.

_I can't take it any longer_

_Thought that we were stronger_

_All we do is linger_

_Slipping through our fingers_

_I don't wanna try now_

_All that's left's goodbye to_

_Find a way that I can tell you_

"John..."

"Yes luv?"

"I've decided... I can live with anything you do... and since you've always done the same for me... this morning I quit my medication too, homicidal tendencies be damned!" The look in his eyes made her legs tremble under her.

"Oh, darlin'... Tha's the sexiest thing y've ever said t' me... C'mere..."

_That I gotta do it,_

_I gotta do it,_

_I gotta do it_

"I love you..."

"I know you do... Why do you love me darlin'?"

"I love you because no one could ever love me as well as you do..." He sighed and held her closer and she cursed the dark side of the shiny penny they seemed to both balance on. Hers was violence, his depression. She wondered briefly why the fates would have it that they should be so irrevocably attached to one another, but looking at him as he lay there, her milky white arm slung over his bare chest , she knew that he was the only one she could ever love like this.

"I love you so much St. John Allerdyce... thank you for being alive..." He looked down at her as if puzzled by something.

"Luv.. you know when... when I was bein' a righ' tosser an' threatnin' to end it – did y' ever think abou' leavin' me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You've never left me all this time..."

"I don' ever wan' to luv... You're everythin' I have... I know I'm unstable an' I know by rights I shouldn' be ou' an' abou' – an' I know you 'ave your little hissy fits an' we deal with those, but do ya think y' could ever forgive me for tryin' t' do myself in?" She shifted upwards and kissed him lovingly.

"I forgave you already. Let's just accept that we're both messed up. I love you despite all that..."

"I love you too..."

_I hate this part_

_I gotta do it,_

_I gotta do it,_

_I gotta do it_

" – and this is John and me at the hospital... and me dangling him off a cliff in Switzerland... and this is Rogue giving us that look when we gave her the spatula for her birthday..."

If they hadn't been among friends no one would have understood the pictures being shown, but Lance just laughed at John's expression in the cliffhanger photo while Kitty complimented Wanda's outfit, Rogue blushed a nice pink at the picture featuring her and her spatula – now a family joke – and no one batted an eye at the numerous hospital photographs. Showing off the various broken appendages and bruised bits had become a sort of hobby for the mental Australian and his hot-tempered witch. There was never any mention of their history of mental illness. There was never any mention of anything.

Rogue might hate comforting Wanda when John had an episode, and she might hate being called up to take one of them to the ER to sort out injuries because one of them was incapable of dealing with it, but if anyone commented the strange relationship the two shared she'd bite right back with the number of times she'd put her own boyfriend in a coma just trying to kiss him and how Kitty had once phased awkwardly at a bad time with Lance and they'd had to call for assistance since she was too humiliated to think straight and couldn't phase back.

Kurt would admit anyday that he found John and Wanda's seperate issues enough of a problem, but to his mind if two people were in love, that was all they needed. It was better to live violently and love than to live trapped inside your own mind and attempting to love the apathetic shells both you and your loved one had become.

Logan knew full well that the risk of one of the kids coming out of this particular love-affair in a casket was higher than he'd normally like it to be, but even he understood that they took the risks they did for a higher cause.

_I hate this part right here_

_I hate this part right here_

_I just can't take these tears_

_I hate this part right here_

"... I now pronounce you husband and wife – you may kiss the bride." Swept into the arms of the man of her dreams she felt tears trickle down her cheeks and opened her eyes to see his were wet with them too.

"If we kill each other on the honeymoon, Remy cheats Kurt out of a thousand dollars," she whispered covertly to the one she'd belong to for the rest of her life. John just grinned.

"Bring it on, luv... Bring it on..."


End file.
